It's Enough
by Angel's babe
Summary: An inner monolouge of Addison's, where she deals with her marriage. Spoilers for parts of season two. Rated for mild use of bad language


Disclaimer: I own none of these characters, only the plotline.

Summary: An Inner monolouge where Addison deals with her marriage.

Spoilers: It's inspired by the most recent episode of Grey's Anatomy, with dialogue spliced in from the Code Black episode, and one other episode from season #2.

Authors note: This is my very first Grey's Anatomy fic,so be gentle in the critiques.The Dialouge isn't mine, it's paraphrased or quoted from various episodes in season #2.

Title: It's Enough

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I love my husband. I love him so much that I packed up my life in New York- a life I loved, and moved all the way out here, to a city where it rains all the time, and where I don't know anybody. I'm living in a trailer, on a stunning piece of land for the occasional smile he gives me, for how I still feel when he takes my hand. I know I hurt him when I slept with his best friend, and I know that that one single mistake will haunt me, it will haunt our relationship for the rest of our lives together. I know it colours the way he looks at me, the way he talks to me, and the way he acts towards me.

He's not entirely innocent either. He had a one-night stand with a girl- okay a woman, who he realized was an intern; somebody that he was entrusted with. Then, they carry on, like it's a normal relationship, just a couple falling in love, nothing more. I should hate him for that- should completely despise him for it. Hell, I shouldn't even be here, I should've signed the divorce papers, and then caught the next flight back to my life in New York. But I didn't, because I love my husband, and want to fight for my marriage.

I should hate Meredith, if I did it would be so much easier for me. But I don't; and don't get me wrong I don't like her either. I just feel… nothing towards her. I will tolerate her, maybe even learn to like her eventually, and on my own terms but for now she's just this individual that slept with my husband once. In therapy I remember asking him to stop talking to her, which, he did. And that was my attempt to get control of the situation, my attempt to win the war for my husband. It worked for a while, and then I realized what a stupid idea it was, and how jealous I was, and it ended. I was ready to sign the papers right then; but for some strange reason, he wasn't.

So we moved into that trailer together, and have managed to live together in some state of peace.

"_Meredith wasn't just a one-night stand, I've fallen in love with her."_

It was a rainy night, about a week or more after we agreed to try again, that he said those words to me. It was like taking my heart out, and smashing it to millions of pieces. It destroyed everything; the marriage we had agreed to, the children I wanted with him- everything. I remember wanting to ask if he loved her that much why didn't he go to her?

Then I remembered with whom I was dealing: Derek Sheppard. And Derek always kept his word; always kept the promises and commitments he made. It was one of things that I fell in love with, and I'm sure one of the things she fell in love with too.

The two of us were happy for a while, appeared happy for a while. It's really quite remarkable what you can hide, by simply teasing each other, and joking with each other in front of others. At home, we were miserable; when he looked at me he glared, any conversation we had together ended in a yelling match, which, was inevitably about Mark, or Meredith.

He told me, he tried to talk to her once. He saw her alone, looking at a chart, but Bailey- yes the Nazi stepped up and told him that he'd done enough damage to her. I think he realized that he had damaged her, as much as I'd damaged him. He calmed down, and we continued to grow closer.

The Code Black happened, and I was afraid he was dead. I realized during that, that nothing much mattered to me accept him. I realized that I could be the most successful surgeon in my specialty in the world; but it wouldn't mean a thing if he wasn't there beside me. He came off the elevator that day, and I nearly broke down crying with relief. I stood over to one side of the crowd waiting for him to reappear, and started as the elevator chimes went, and the doors opened to reveal Derek standing beside Preston Burke.

"_Where is she?" _I heard him ask the Chief

"_She's right there."_ The Chief responded, indicating me standing off to one side. I stepped forward and hugged him. As we hugged, I heard the Chief's wife remark:

"_I don't think that was the 'she' he was talking about._"

My heart broke again, because I knew that to be true as well. We never spoke of that day, he never bothered to clarify her remark; he never bothered to deny it was in fact Meredith he was thinking of; and I don't think I wanted it acknowledged. Because acknowledging it would make it real, and I really, really didn't want it to be real because that would mean my marriage was over.

I didn't want it to be over; I still don't want it to be over. I still love him; I still want him, here, beside me. I know he's not perfect, and I know I'm not either. But for God's sakes, he chose me; he _chose me_ not her. I know that I'm not delusional, when I think that means something, right?

And that; that is the million dollar question; it's the question that has kept me awake staring at the ceiling in that damn trailer trying to answer. It's the question that gets a different answer every night. There are some nights when I say: no- I'm not totally delusional he loves me. Then there are other nights; ones that are becoming increasingly frequent when I realize that he should be with her; he's only staying with me out of obligation, out of vows we made to each other. And that's what I love about him.

Out of my delusions, come some truths about my marriage. I know, that when he looks at me, he's looking at her. I know, that when he's touching me, he's imagining her, when he's kissing me, and when's he's making love to me; he's really kissing her, and making love to her. And it's enough.

It's enough because he chose me, and not her; he chose his life with me over any chance with her. It's enough because I love him, and I want this marriage to work more than anything else.

It's enough, because for now, it _has_ to be.

_-Fin-_

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So that's it, hope you've enjoyed it. Please review.

-A.B.


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